Observations of a restless brain

there is a restlessness in me that never ceases to amaze me. a constant hunger that grips at every fiber of my being. and yet the "food for thought" that i need to feed this insatiable thirst inside is in high demand and short supply. so what's a girl to do. i amble and stumble my way through life. seldom apologizing and almost never looking back. I have an awkward grace that i live by. and an almost embarrassing clumsiness in which i seem to throw my day to day life together. So i can't help but wonder what to do next? looking around right now i am reminded of a time in my life when things weren't so complicated. although hindsight is 20/20. i miss high school.... oh my yes i said it ok? i MISS high school. i know back then it was o i can't wait to grow up. i can't wait to move out and be an adult and make my own rules and live my life the way that i chose. FUCK that. i wanna go back to homework and rumors and living under mommy and daddy's roof. ha ha how naive were we to think that high school was so horrible that reality would be better. I love the irony. I think i spent too much time bucking the system and not enough preparing for these days. But this is my life. I am a 23 year old single mother of an amazingly beautiful 2 year old son. I will soon be a college graduate. i am divorced .... twice. i am an ex addict. and ex raver. an ex dreamer and an ex believer. But you know what i have realized all these things that can be used to describe me..... they don't define me. I am the ONLY one that can. Period. _insert evil laugh here_ but no seriously. wtf is wrong with the color pink.... the more pink shit i see the uglier i realize the color is. :D

A Long Way Off..... But Someday Approaching

There are certain things i my life, either that i have done, or things that i have not done. All of which have gotten me to the point that i am at right now. right at this moment. call it an epiphany if you will. But for the first time in a while i am finally thinking clearly. well as clearly as someone such as i can think. i think somewhere between all the messed up relationships i have been in the last year, the move to cali, and the return to my beloved 801. i lost the person that i "thought" i was. instead i looked in the mirror today and saw someone completely different. i saw the woman that i have struggled for years to give freedom to. i saw the amazing mother that at times has made some very dumb and very stubborn decisions but always with the best of intentions for my lil man. i saw the friend that has stood by ppl through everything under the sun. the one that has helped her friends overcome and fight addictions, and self hate. I even saw a little bit of naive innocence that i think is good for everyone to posses.

at this particular moment in time i am cutting ties to the ppl that hurt me, i am letting go of the things that i cannot control. and i am full heart and soul moving on. and this isn't some pathetic o someday my prince will come bull shit blah blah blah..... guess what.... i AM NOT a damsel in distress. and i am not going to sit on my ass and hope that someday my prince will show up on his white steed (big ass truck) and save me from the peril of the world around me. This is my life, this world is mine for the taking. and o boy am i taking it. Now that being said....i will spill a lil secret for those of you who read this merely for the gossip and he said she said.....

I know who i am suppose to be with. . . the "man" that i am meant to spend the rest of my life loving..... thanks to one of the most totally genius minds (:D) i have ever known.... i have a classification for this person.... i suppose he is in a sense a version of McArmy.... though more so not than is..... i guess that in a vague sense i have always had a sort of love for this person.... and maybe have taken for granted the way we met or the times that he has been there almost randomly out of no where just when i needed him. But he has the qualities that set him apart from the others.... first off, and this is because of a earlier post.... he DOES NOT claim to be a good guy. he honestly doesn't have to. he just enough on my side of life that we click... but just enough on the other that he is stably grounded. he's the kind of person that when he writes you can feel the emotion come off the words. amazingly talented... even if he doesn't know or think so. he live his life with an awareness for those around him. but doesn't buckle or give in to things that compromise who he is. he gets out. he lives his life for himself. he's the kinda person that you see in cheesy and horribly scripted B rated love stories... you know the ones you watch alone at night when no one is home.... the ones that you don't admit you own.... ha ha ha and yes i guess he's wickedly hott....

So i have to have a game plan. in my current state i am not a match for anyone..... except maybe the highschool drop out that flips burgers down the street.... and believe you and me that is not where my future is headed. and if that is what god has in store for me he is going to have to re think that one...... please... instead i am going to get my life on track. learn to love myself and really truly see the amazing person inside that so many others see. i'm going to be the person that he deserves. inside and out. and i am going to start this new chapter of my life with the passion that i used to live life with. AND for the record. if by some sick twist of fate i don't end up with the above mentioned person...... i'll be ok. and i will still look at the stars with wonder, and feel the sun with joy. and i will still love myself. Because the old Jakki is gone. and the new one is here..... and you haven't seen anything like this :D

self Loathing

self loathing is an interesting concept. what does it really mean to hate ones self? well since i am pretty much an expert in this i am going to tell you. hating yourself is when you can't stand to look in the mirror. when the person that is looking back at you is both unrecognizable in the slightest. but also not someone that you would befriend. i hate writing posts like this but i have to get this shit out of my head. i can't even see straight with all the chatter. someone very important to me told me that i should do this so here goes......

There's a level of comprehension
_____i constantly cling to
a harness of safe keeping
_____for my mind
yet as decisive as i am to be logical
_____i sometimes long to come down
for a taste of senseless stupidity
_____and irrational reasoning
but filled quickly
_____an incomplete fullness
stemming from a gorge on illogical behavior
_____leaving me with a desperate
life threatening need
_____to purge
to retreat back into my mind
_____systematically organized
to rational perfection
_____an illusion for my own eyes
to hide the true chaos that
_____is me

Where Does the Good Go???

what happened to ppl that you could count on. ppl that knew what true friend ship and comradeship. what happened to just being a good person period. every where i look i see ppl just plain being horrible, to their children, to ppl of other races, ppl just hating ppl. what happened to the world? i think that everyone has taken this survival of the fittest a little to far. who really is to decide who is the fittest? the person with all the money, the one with the love or their life and their family, the artist who knows the true beauty of the world.... or ppl like me who just struggle to survive the bull shit and the lies that are cast off by society. what is going to save you in the end? your religion, your job, your family. and how is someone to say that one is better than the others. its like this whole debate on pro life or pro choice.... or letting the gays marry. who the fuck cares. who the hell am i to tell someone else how to live their life. ppl are hiding behind their bibles... condemning others for their lives. when isn't it the same bible that says (Matthew 7:1) "Do not judge, or you too will be judged." or how about (John 8:7) "So when they continued asking him, he lifted up himself, and said unto them, He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her" sounds a tad bit hypocritical to me. like i said in posts b4 i have respect for all people and their religions. i think that ppl that can find peace in god and can live good lives because of it are blessed. my restless soul will find that peace one day. But to say that you cannot allow someone else to live the lifestyle that they have chosen based on religious reasoning NOT only is a breach of what this country was founded on in the first place it is condemning your own soul. Should you really be so oblivious to your own hypocritical actions because you are so concerned about someone else's salvation. Helping ppl is fine yes.... go forth into the world and spread your teachings.... but to base this government and the law based on the teaching of the bible.... no wonder ppl hate America.... are we not in another country tearing up they lives and their land because of extremists that took their religion too far? are we not trying to change the government of their country and trying to make a separation of church and state for them..... are we not condemning them for their life styles and their laws and ways of life. is anyone else seeing my point??? maybe we should all focus on our own salvation, our own souls. maybe its time for us to all step in front of a mirror and really see the person staring back. is that the person that you are willing to die as.... or do you want ppl to remember you differently? everyone is speaking that it is time for change... time for reform... right wing against left wing, Muslims against Christians, Mormons against Gays, Christians against Liberals. I think that we are all deep down fighting ourselves. fighting our fears. if you want change and reform then it has to start in the heart of the ppl. it can't be programmed or brain washed or trained. that is not how we were made to function. but this isn't just about the world either. this is about our everyday interactions as well.... between family members, friends, partners, children, co workers. there is so so much hate in the world. and we are raising our children to be callused calculated manipulators... because that is the only way to survive. the only way to get ahead and thrive. am i the only one who thinks this isn't right?

Yes Indeedy.....(language)

there's a lot of things going on in the world right now. as there always is and always will be but lately things are getting under my skin. so lets work on this backwards from the larger things to the more personal.

My family is largely made up of members of the LDS church. A religion that has mainly dominated my teen years and some of my childhood. I respect the church, i respect the members, and i respect the general authority. However sunday rubbed me wrong. I understand that the church has it's stand about gay and lesbian relationships, as do most of the churches. when i first joined the church i was taught that the mormon religion was tolerant to other. that "love one another, as i have loved thee" was something that we were to live by. why does that not stand here? why are we so intent to destroy the worlds and lives of others in order to push an agenda for "saving souls" i am not trying to offend anyone and i really hope that i don't. but if we are all trying to make it to the Celestial kingdom should we not worry about ourselves? should we not be more worried about our own salvation than preaching to others about how their ways are unnatural and unworthy of the love of god? MY god loves everyone. MY god wants people to be happy and live lives that are full of light and fulfillment. Let them get married. let them live normal lives and seek the things that will fill them with light and joy. who the fuck cares about what the family unit is.... what family unit?? looking around here in these times it seems to me that the new family unit is single parents who are struggling to give their children lives that have some semblance of normalcy. so instead of letting these ppl have families and enjoy the benefits of marriage we would rather support the get married get divorced lifestyle? what a load of shit.... HI i grew up in that "family unit" i had an amazing father who did everything and anything to make sure that i grew up knowing that i was loved and that we were a family. And now i am a single mother. divorced not once but twice. to each their own let ppl have a chance at happiness and stop telling them how to live their lives.

this rant will have to continue another time.... my head is so full of shit i don't even know what to say next

Chopper riding Stormtroopers

one thing that being out here has allotted me is time to think. Time to really step back and look at the big picture that is my life. I've realized a lot about the ppl in my life. and i've even learned a bit about myself. I am me..... and it's time to start living that way. i was raised better than this. over the last 5 or 6 years i haven't been true to myself, i haven't been true to the ppl that care about me. and it's caught up to me. since i have moved here i have lost touch with some ppl. and surprisingly have grown closer to others. it's amazing how therapeutic for the soul a genuine smile and some star wars memorabilia can be, and i had forgotten how much it really means to have someone listen. really listen and not judge or look at you like you are crazy. i am grateful that i had the opportunity to come out here and clear my head. i have a lot of stuff to deal with when i get home.... but i'm ready for what lies ahead. I'm ready to come home.

Same story, different character...

it amazes me when i am drawn to the same types of ppl. over and over. whether it is for friendships or possible relationships it's always the same story, the characters just change. and every damn time that i think i have found someone that is different, someone that isn't into the whole drama. that isn't ok with the high school bull shit i get proved wrong. and then there are the others. the ones that just don't care period. the ones that use and then throw away. i used to be such a good judge of character. i dunno what happened. i've turned into a door mat. i love my friends and i would do anything for them. and they know it. and they use it. and then they bounce. well this is my sign off to those of you in my life that think that i am that expendable. I am going to be the one that is going to bounce this time. b4 you have a chance to hurt me. I deserve better. and someday i will find the ppl that deserve to be in my life.

Alone with your thoughts

sitting outside i was listening to the wind. feeling it against my face, like i was feeling it for the first time. i started thinking about life. wondering why i can't seem to get my ass into gear. am i broken? everything is moving, changing around me. life is moving on but i can't seem to get one foot to move in front of the other. i'm frozen in some sick and twisted time warp. Everyone says that when one door closes a million open. Where are these doors? I'm at a dead end and every door is locked. will no one let me in? I knock and knock no one answers. I scream out in frustration. All i get is the sound of my own pain echoing off the walls. Does no one understand that i am just passing through. For every time i knock all i hear are a hundred answering knocks echoing from wall to wall. It's the most heart wrenching lonely sound i have ever heard.. set on repeat like a scratched record. I've come so far for what to sit here and wait for something, anything to happen. even the door i came through is sealed shut. there's only one thing more terrifying than just being alone. and that's being alone with your own thoughts. ghosts and whispers of dreams and aspirations begging for just a chance to become reality. straining under the weight of self doubt and pure unadulterated misery. It's amazing that they even exist as whispers. And the proverbial question that is always at the fore front of my mind, it's an obsession really. a toxic chain of thinking that starts with two little words. NOW WHAT. what is an evil word full of hidden meaning and it's own agenda. i am being held back. somewhere in my mind is a tether. and it is strong and unrelenting. Some one untie me please, set me free. my smoke signals and SOS calls are falling on deaf ears. if they are reaching anyone at all. Can anyone here me? is it too late?  

this is the end...... there's the beginning...

yesterday was a hard day, by anyone's standards. i realized a lot about the ppl i love. and i realized a little more about how strong my heart really is. i found out that i waited to long to fix things. that when someone walks away from you the first time, that is when you are suppose to beg them to stay. and i learned that some ppl can fall out of love on the drop of a dime.

what am i going to do with all this new knowledge? nothing. i screwed up the life i had. so i have no choice but to move forward with what i can. so what moves forward with me? well, my son. that one amazing spark of hope that i have for the future. the one that loves me and still thinks that when i kiss his boo boos that they are magically better. the one that trusts everything out of my mouth without a glimmer of doubt that it might not be true. the one person on the planet that i would not hesitate to kill for, or die for. i have a few friends that will make the cut. no all of them because i realized that some of the ppl that i thought were such good friends are not at the same place in their lives that i am. i need ppl who are on the same page. that have the same goals and ambitions in life. ppl who are positive and are driven for success.

as for love. i dunno if i will ever trust my heart again. and it doesn't really matter right now. my heart belongs to someone and when i get it back then i will start on the journey to repair and learn to love again.  

NoCal.... and breathing a lil easier

sitting here in my mom's front room the last two days have been a whirlwind of emotion. but i think leaving everything behind and getting on a 13 hour train ride will do that to some ppl. it's beautiful out here. Nic is having a blast. My mom absolutely adores him. things so far are good. Patrick and i have been talking. and at first i didn't want to. i did but i didn't want him to think that the only reason i was talking to him was because i got screwed. but now i am glad we are. we've talked about everything. from beginning to end. what happened, why it happened, what we both did wrong, what we both would have changed. and the more i talk to him the more i wonder what is wrong with me? how did i have some one that amazing and screw up that bad? i don't think that i will ever know for sure why things really happen the way they do. why ppl veer so far left off the path that was so right for them. why i lost my god damn mind.... ii have a lot of pieces to pick up. a lot of bridges to mend. and getting my life back into my own control is all that matters. and i am taking life by the wheel right now. this is me. i have a son to raise and a life to build for the two of us. and that's all that matters now. so goodbye past. goodbye regrets today is a new day and today is mine!  

Jumping Ship and Moving On

This has proved to not only be one of the longest weeks of my life but also one of the hardest. i'm 23 and now have 2 failed marriages under my belt. I have had a lot of time to myself to think the last few days and have come to the conclusion that i am done. I made a mistake and i kissed another man that was not my husband. Judge me if you will but it just happened. i am not making excuses for what i did. it was wrong end of story. HOWEVER the whole situation was a little blown out of proportion. i didn't sleep with him. i never intended to. and i had fully wanted to tell my husband myself. unfortunately we had in out group what i like to refer to as a drama causing whore. who decided that since she saw what happened that she wasn't going to pull me aside and confront me, she wasn't even going to pull my husband aside and tell him privately. instead she told pulled aside EVERYONE in our group that was hanging out that night and told them instead. I dunno what ass backwards world you come from but last time i checked that is not how adults do things. Which brings me to the problems that her plan of action caused. Not only did i not have a chance to tell my husband myself (all of this happened in a matter of seconds) but he had everyone telling him how to handle the situation and what to do. I love my husband but when it comes to other ppls opinions and such he is a push over. its just how he is. so he went with everyone else's advice. he didn't wanna talk about it, didn't wanna hear my side, he told me to get my shit and get out. He decided that it was easier to call our marriage quits than to try and even attempt to work it out. which brings me to one of two conclusions. Either he really is that much of a push over to his stupid high school friends, or he was looking for an exit and took the first one that came. that last one i have heard from several ppl and almost makes sense. On top of everything, he tells me that he never again wants to see my son. It's fine to drop me on my face but Mini Ninja? What the fuck did he do to you?!? so there is the story. there is what happened. i am not a victim, nor am i the whole villain in this. Label me and judge me as you will but i know what has to happen from here. So i am going to pick myself up and dust off and start all over again. AND if anyone thinks for a second that i am ever getting married again then you can go jump of a bridge. obviously marriage doesn't suit me and i can't force a talent i do not posses.

Hindsight is 2o2o

I don't think that anyone intentionally throws their life away. I didn't wake up this morning thinking "oh i'll just destroy my marriage, all of my friendships and mine and my sons futures." But i did. I fucked up (sorry for the language) Bigger than any mistake that i have ever made b4. and i destroyed 4 lives in the process. now we all have to sift through the rubble of disaster. And i am wondering who will make it through still standing, who will give up, and who will try but just isn't strong enough to make it through. i have a feeling that i belong in the last group. and i don't know at this point where anyone else stands. was it worth it? i don't think so. i think that i finally let my impulses take me somewhere i was never suppose to be. that being said what was done is done. i can't take anything back. i finally understand the meaning of "Dig your own grave, lie in it"

Ninja Mom Mode

here goes my first baby daddy rant. Witch will be good for me because I have been holding this in for a sec. A few of my close friends have heard some of this so if they happen to read it I apologize for any repeated information. For privacy reasons I will refer to my sons dad as Kevin from here on out. When I took my son and moved out on my own it was a confusing and rocky time. Kevin and I hated each other. I couldn't even stand the mere mention of his name. And time went on and there were issues every once in a while but nothing that couldn't be handled and resolved. God knows that I am not the easiest person to get along or work with if you wrong me but I was trying for the sake of my son to make thing as smooth as possible. This started to pay of up until recently. I mean things were actually going well he took his son every other weekend and was starting to ask if he could take him for a few hours in the middle of the week just because he missed Mini Ninja and wanted to spend time with him. I saw this as a new beginning. But I should know better kevin would hate to disappoint by doing something too right. And so for the last month of so I have watched thing slowly deteriorate.... I wish that I was on the outside of the situation. I wish that I was just watching someone that I used to know fall apart and not have a vested interest in his future. But he is the father of my son and so I am stuck watching with a close eye and scrutinizing every little thing that the bastard does (sorry for my language) any ways back to my story. Over the last month or so I have watched things go from bad to worse. He had finally gotten a job, maybe i'll see some of that 5k in back child support HA HA HA right and maybe I will win the lottery tomorrow. Well sucked for him because the place he got a job at happens to be the same place my cousin works. And then of course in the fashion of everything entertaining drama ensues. First he has the nerve to call in sick stating that his son was in the hospital all night cuz he was sick....SERIOUSLY?!? um my cousin know I have full custody. Epic fail on his part. Then there is the strategically place arm band, the red blotchy skin, the uncontrollable sweating, the long sleeve shirts. For those of you who are lucky enough to not be familiar with the lines that I am connecting here let me break it down further. Remember that drug habit that almost ruined my life? Some ppl have it in them to stay clean and live for not being high.... Kevin doesn't. I recently took my son over there for the weekend. Which I don't know if kevin realizes that if he didn't live with his parents he wouldn't see his son at all. I text his mom (love it when -ahem- older pl can text) and told her that I needed to talk. To which I promptly got a phone call explaining that she knew what was going on and that she wanted to make sure I knew that we were on the same page. Kevin is NOT allowed to take my son any where. He is NOT allowed to be home alone with my son. His mother is a saint. I really miss her. Which brings me to my next point. If he continues on the path that he is on I see no option other than to do what ever and I will do WHATEVER it takes to protect my son. I will take is rights, I will turn him in. and then I also have started to think about the future. How am I going to handle a few years from now when Kevin is dead or in prison, and my son asks me why. Why his dad didn't give a shit about him enough to keep it together. I don't wanna be the mother that lies and says “daddy was sick” sick my ass. He made a clear conscious decision to jump down the rabbit whole and abandon the life that was in front of him. . . these are the things I have to think about on a daily basis. This is my life. 

Wasted time is patience training

i am currently sitting on my couch, as i do every night. I am eating a quesodilla (can't spell)and drinking a mountain dew while watching tv texting on my phone a hittin up the facebook.... i got mad skills tonight. But i am kinda on this train of thought. How do you find happiness. I got an email from an old friend that i haven't seen or talked to in a long time and she seems really down and depressed. she asked me how i got my happy ending, and told me that she has no happiness in her life so she asks her friends about their happiness in order to feel something. like she is living through other ppl. this makes me very sad and a little irate at the world. doesn't everyone deserve their own version of a happy ending? why do bad things happen to good ppl? i know that everyone asks these questions and that they are rhetorical. maybe there will never be an answer. but as for my own life i do know a few things. 

In 2004 i fell in love with some one that i thought was the most amazing person ever. I was naive and i would pay for my ignorance for the next 5 years. After following this man into drugs and habits that almost ruined the rest of my life i thought things would get better when we got clean. i was right for a min. then i realized that all i knew was the him that was on drugs. and once he got clean he wasn't the same person. so we broke it off. only for me to find out a few months later that i was pregnant. so like a complete and utter idiot i got back with him in an effort to work it out to have a family. i didn't want my son to have a broken home.... wanted to have a better start than i did. big mistake. as with all bad relationships the bad got worse. and at 6 months old i packed up my son and left because of an alcohol addiction that was spinning out of control. my heart was SHATTERED. i was on my own and i was with a child.
Now 2 years later i am married to my best friend and he is an amazing father to my son. i have the best support of family that anyone could ask for. and for the most part that goes for my friends also. And every once in a while i get a little sad thinking about wasted time and wasted tears but i think that i have an answer on how i got my happy ending... a lil patience, a lil heart ache, and a lot of luck!

Power of One Narrative

Often in life we find that our actions or decisions are based on the guidance or opinions of certain people in our lives. This can either be a detriment to us or it can turn out to be the reason why we succeed. Just like in The Power of One it can take just one person to make a difference in the life of many. One rain drop raises the ocean. In my life I have had many people along the way who have helped in one way or another. There is one who has had a profound mark on my life.

I have made a lot of mistakes in my life. When I first started high school I had the same goals and dreams that everyone else has: graduate, go to college, have the perfect job, perfect family. I accomplished the first one no problem but somewhere along the way I lost myself in the world and in things that I knew nothing about. I always believed myself to be different from anyone else, if I came up against drugs or anything of that nature I could say no. I would be able to stand up against something that so many others have not been able to. I was wrong. And so began my downward spiral into a world that now looking back I believe should not exist. I was 18 when I got addicted to oxy cotton. There were many people in my life that at the time I thought to be great friends and to be good people for me to have in my life. I was wrong, again. In the summer of 2007 I was handed the single rope that has proven to have pulled me out of where I was. I became pregnant with my son. The knowledge that I was responsible for another person, one who could not fend for its self, could not make its own decisions snapped me out of my false sense of reality. It made me open my eyes and see the world differently; I saw people differently.

Nicholas Alan Cleaver was born on April 21, 2008. At eight weeks early he was healthy and he was born to a clean and sober mother. I have never looked back. I am not a religious person and I don’t credit a lot of things so much to a higher power as I do to the reality of the world and how we are all interconnected. However be it god or be it the natural order of things I was given the single greatest gift that I could have been given. I was given a choice. My son gave me an escape that I might have not found on my own.

The last two years have been hard and have been a journey that most people don’t and will never understand. Every decision that I make every direction that I turn is all based on my son. This is the single reason that I am sitting here in this class today. This is the single reason that this last year I was able to find the person who I hope to spend the rest of my life with. In the last year I have decided to pay it forward. I have turned around and done for others what my son did for me. I want people to be able to really live. I want them to live without addiction and I want them to not be ashamed of what they have been through. In the end I want them to be proud that they came out on top. The best part about my son being the single most influential person in my life is that I am guaranteed that he’s going to stick around, at least for another 16 years.

I think that for people who have been blessed to have a person in their life that has pulled them through the hard times and brought them out on top, it’s time to do the same. In The Power of One the people who influenced PK’s life would have meant nothing had he not gone and made that difference to someone else. We all need someone, and there will always be someone who may need us.