Observations of a restless brain

there is a restlessness in me that never ceases to amaze me. a constant hunger that grips at every fiber of my being. and yet the "food for thought" that i need to feed this insatiable thirst inside is in high demand and short supply. so what's a girl to do. i amble and stumble my way through life. seldom apologizing and almost never looking back. I have an awkward grace that i live by. and an almost embarrassing clumsiness in which i seem to throw my day to day life together. So i can't help but wonder what to do next? looking around right now i am reminded of a time in my life when things weren't so complicated. although hindsight is 20/20. i miss high school.... oh my yes i said it ok? i MISS high school. i know back then it was o i can't wait to grow up. i can't wait to move out and be an adult and make my own rules and live my life the way that i chose. FUCK that. i wanna go back to homework and rumors and living under mommy and daddy's roof. ha ha how naive were we to think that high school was so horrible that reality would be better. I love the irony. I think i spent too much time bucking the system and not enough preparing for these days. But this is my life. I am a 23 year old single mother of an amazingly beautiful 2 year old son. I will soon be a college graduate. i am divorced .... twice. i am an ex addict. and ex raver. an ex dreamer and an ex believer. But you know what i have realized all these things that can be used to describe me..... they don't define me. I am the ONLY one that can. Period. _insert evil laugh here_ but no seriously. wtf is wrong with the color pink.... the more pink shit i see the uglier i realize the color is. :D

A Long Way Off..... But Someday Approaching

There are certain things i my life, either that i have done, or things that i have not done. All of which have gotten me to the point that i am at right now. right at this moment. call it an epiphany if you will. But for the first time in a while i am finally thinking clearly. well as clearly as someone such as i can think. i think somewhere between all the messed up relationships i have been in the last year, the move to cali, and the return to my beloved 801. i lost the person that i "thought" i was. instead i looked in the mirror today and saw someone completely different. i saw the woman that i have struggled for years to give freedom to. i saw the amazing mother that at times has made some very dumb and very stubborn decisions but always with the best of intentions for my lil man. i saw the friend that has stood by ppl through everything under the sun. the one that has helped her friends overcome and fight addictions, and self hate. I even saw a little bit of naive innocence that i think is good for everyone to posses.

at this particular moment in time i am cutting ties to the ppl that hurt me, i am letting go of the things that i cannot control. and i am full heart and soul moving on. and this isn't some pathetic o someday my prince will come bull shit blah blah blah..... guess what.... i AM NOT a damsel in distress. and i am not going to sit on my ass and hope that someday my prince will show up on his white steed (big ass truck) and save me from the peril of the world around me. This is my life, this world is mine for the taking. and o boy am i taking it. Now that being said....i will spill a lil secret for those of you who read this merely for the gossip and he said she said.....

I know who i am suppose to be with. . . the "man" that i am meant to spend the rest of my life loving..... thanks to one of the most totally genius minds (:D) i have ever known.... i have a classification for this person.... i suppose he is in a sense a version of McArmy.... though more so not than is..... i guess that in a vague sense i have always had a sort of love for this person.... and maybe have taken for granted the way we met or the times that he has been there almost randomly out of no where just when i needed him. But he has the qualities that set him apart from the others.... first off, and this is because of a earlier post.... he DOES NOT claim to be a good guy. he honestly doesn't have to. he just enough on my side of life that we click... but just enough on the other that he is stably grounded. he's the kind of person that when he writes you can feel the emotion come off the words. amazingly talented... even if he doesn't know or think so. he live his life with an awareness for those around him. but doesn't buckle or give in to things that compromise who he is. he gets out. he lives his life for himself. he's the kinda person that you see in cheesy and horribly scripted B rated love stories... you know the ones you watch alone at night when no one is home.... the ones that you don't admit you own.... ha ha ha and yes i guess he's wickedly hott....

So i have to have a game plan. in my current state i am not a match for anyone..... except maybe the highschool drop out that flips burgers down the street.... and believe you and me that is not where my future is headed. and if that is what god has in store for me he is going to have to re think that one...... please... instead i am going to get my life on track. learn to love myself and really truly see the amazing person inside that so many others see. i'm going to be the person that he deserves. inside and out. and i am going to start this new chapter of my life with the passion that i used to live life with. AND for the record. if by some sick twist of fate i don't end up with the above mentioned person...... i'll be ok. and i will still look at the stars with wonder, and feel the sun with joy. and i will still love myself. Because the old Jakki is gone. and the new one is here..... and you haven't seen anything like this :D

self Loathing

self loathing is an interesting concept. what does it really mean to hate ones self? well since i am pretty much an expert in this i am going to tell you. hating yourself is when you can't stand to look in the mirror. when the person that is looking back at you is both unrecognizable in the slightest. but also not someone that you would befriend. i hate writing posts like this but i have to get this shit out of my head. i can't even see straight with all the chatter. someone very important to me told me that i should do this so here goes......

There's a level of comprehension
_____i constantly cling to
a harness of safe keeping
_____for my mind
yet as decisive as i am to be logical
_____i sometimes long to come down
for a taste of senseless stupidity
_____and irrational reasoning
but filled quickly
_____an incomplete fullness
stemming from a gorge on illogical behavior
_____leaving me with a desperate
life threatening need
_____to purge
to retreat back into my mind
_____systematically organized
to rational perfection
_____an illusion for my own eyes
to hide the true chaos that
_____is me