what the.....

ummm so quick lil tit bit..... last time i published was back in march and i had a peeptom count of 79.... i come back and it's 329??? where the hell did that come from?? well done all.... looking forward to keeping you entertained :D

the truth about me.

it's been a while since i have felt the overwhelming need to spill my feeling into concrete words. but then it's taken a while to grasp the reality of what has has been going on in the battle fields of my mind. for years  it has never ceased to amaze me the amount of inner turmoil that i have managed to have going on at any given time. and i always suspected that i was doomed to have this civil war inside rage on for the remainder of my existence. until one day it all just came to a grinding halt. call it a snap into reality. call it some sort of mental break or just an order to cease fire. but some how on the outskirts of a battle that was raging so deep within me, 3 words managed to shut the entire  operation down. 3 words that seem to have severed ties and conquered demons that i had been trying to erratic ate from the inner working of my soul for so long. 3 words that all on their own mean absolutely nothing. zilch. i am a master of manipulation, i have a skill for deception that would match if not completely snuff out the competition. for some ppl it is a means to further themselves in a world where only the strongest and most cunning survive. for some ppl it is a way to hurt ppl and destroy lives in order to make themselves feel more important. for me however it is the reason that i have been stuck in this holding pattern. unable to touch down in the real world for more than the time needed to float through. my manipulation and deception has a target. one target only. myself. my specialty? False hope. so my down fall in life? is myself. i create these ideas in my head that are so elaborate and brimming with possibility that i blindly lead myself down the rabbit hole. deeper into the chaos that already exists. it amazes me that the one person that so many of those scenarios played out in my head revolved around would be the one to break the glass. i should be thankful i suppose. i should be glad that someone has managed to wake me up. and truth be told i have gratitude. but somewhere amid the emotions, or more truthfully lack there of. is a fear. a fear that this new state of awareness comes with the permanent side effect of being off. i have never felt so emotionally disconnected, i feel nothing. in the last few days i have cut ties and said goodbye to numerous ppl and felt nothing. i didn't just burn down obsolete bridges.... i feel like they never existed to begin with. i feel no worry. no anxiety. no ripple of loss. no void. what i do feel is cold. indifferent. i have lost the things that have won over so many ppls favor. i have no interest in other ppls problems, or feelings, i have grown sarcastic and matter of fact. i'm short with ppl. i don't seem to see them, but rather through them. i just don't care. if you know me... which you should if you're reading this nonsense than you know that none of the above is generally known to describe me. sure i have been known to be a mega bitch. i've been told it's genetic. but in general i have always been the one that ppl come to to vent, for comfort or distraction. always there for everyone. now i leave my phone off, or behind when i go out. i ignore the majority of texts and calls coming in. i just don't care. now before some of you get all stoic on me... i am focused. i obviously care for my son. he's the only human being that can stir any sort of emotion out of me lately. i care about my life.... i'm not all emo and gonna stop living because i'm having some sort of emotional union strike. i said i was cold... not stupid. maybe this is my ground zero. maybe this is my chance to build again from the ground up. and that's fine. because the truth about me? is that i will soldier on in spite and i will succeed.

One Love..... Many colors!

this past weekend lil man and i went to the amazing Holi festival (colorfest) like last year we had an amazing time! this year however we got to bring along a few other ppl to share in the festivities!

One of the Best weekends

this weekend was off to a lil bit of a rocky start, but all in all turned out to be pretty amazing. My little sister married an amazing man on sat. i've never seen her so happy in her life... they make a beautiful couple. and i can't wait to see what life brings their way.

after all the wedding festivities and sending the happy two on their way to lava.... me and the other siblings living at home decided that it was a good night to bowl.... it ended up being a blast. i seriously haven't had that much fun in a really long. time. 

even though it seems like i already had a great weekend today was the icing on the cake.... ha ha ha.... nicnac and i decided that it was a good day to go to the park... and as much as i would love to get into who also came... or what our adventure consisted of i am not going to jinx myself. so for now i have a secret... and it's going to stay that way because it's all mine.... and i want to keep it that way for a bit! lots of luv! XoXo

Luck, Hope, and Faith

i am not going to be the most intellectually stimulating person you ever meet. and chances are that my opinions often come of as arrogance and a stubborn disposition. but honestly i'm not so different than... o just about everyone. no one ever grows up wanting to make the mistakes that they make in life. i know i sure didn't but in the last few years i have noticed that the mistakes we make are really the thing that shapes who we are. so really instead of being ashamed of the things that we have done we should focus on the way we recovered, the grace we used to handle it, and our determination to not be repeat offenders. not gonna lie.... it's hard to hold your head high amongst the whispers, the ppl who refuse to see past your actions, and of course those little nagging thoughts in the back of your mind. you know the ones.... the ones that tell you that because of this or that you're not good enough to exist among the masses. open your eyes. the masses? the ones that look at you like your scum.... the ones that see you as unfit to be productive to society.... the self righteous, hypocritical, gods gift to earth masses.... i realised that the ppl that i had wanted so bad to accept me.... they're not worth the two seconds it takes to care. and to be perfectly honest it feels good to have that sudden sense of empowerment. i am a 24 yr old single mother.... who would do anything for my friends and family.... i give spare change to the homeless.... i donate when i can to the animal shelter.... i volunteer when i can.... i work hard to make sure that my son is taken care of..... i'm ambitious and strong. i love stronger and faster than i should. i give way to many ppl second chances. and even though on the outside i seem like the care free spirit that i wish was on the inside. i'm really just broken. like everyone else. but being broken is beautiful, it's poetic, and ironic. and it's a fact of life. own it. because we're all moving through this world.... because of a little bit of luck, a little bit of hope.... and more often than not a whole lot of borrowed faith.

men..... how i wnat to punch you all in the throat

oh man where do i start with this one.... hee hee well lets set the stage. so i have these 4 friends... all of whom i have not met in person.... all of which fall under my "genuine" good guy category. so i here's the players:

Island Boy- whom i met 5 yrs ago on the good ole MySpace. He has the nickname Island Boy because for a while he lived in Hawaii. so yeah. NE who we have talked almost everyday for the last 5 yrs via email or text.

McArmy- who has obviously made more than one appearance in my blog... i met again via the My Space 4 yrs ago.... same story as b4 and yeah you know the rest on this one.

The Farmer- i met while in Cali so like 6 months ago. we talk almost everyday....

New Boy- who is by all accounts new. ha ha so not a whole lot to say as of yet...

ok now that that is done here is how this rant came to be. while having a conversation with New boy (who will get a more appropriate nickname at a later date) i was a little shocked.... and somewhat touched by an apology that he made.... on behalf of the ENTIRE male race. i know i know i'm not one to be phased by something like that but i got to thinking about the ppl in my life. both present and past. those of you that know me in real life know that 98% of my friends are guys..... but the ones that have only ever been friends how well have a really chosen them?? well lets put it this way 80% of them i would never date..... for one reason or another. so.... then i got to thinking about why the before mentioned 4 ppl are so different than the guys i see and hang with everyday. Here are 4 guys that i have never met. they all are driven, ambitious and going places. they all live busy lives but find the time to include me in their own way. 2 of the 4 have become my closest friends. so what is it? is it because they aren't from utah? is it because they haven't met me? which is a tangent all on its own because surely they would head for the nearest cliff if they had. I don't wanna say that there is something wrong with the guys in this state.... but what the hell is it with utah guys that just makes you wanna kick the shit out of them??? ahh this is where i pull my hair out in utter frustration. and i totally am rambling cuz i forgot the point of this post..... IDFK k here's the point.... the color purple is an abomination. that is all... Peace and Grease  

2011 can kiss my ass

so this was suppose to be my year.... ha ha ha i'm only a week in and already hating it. Nerd boy made an alarming but almost predictable exit which pretty much figures considering the events of late. i moved back in with my parents and 4 teenage siblings this weekend which i am actually grateful and excited for. AND THEN to top it off while taking care of McMarine's dog this morning i lose my damn phone. like totally gone. and the only way to get a new sim card is to call my ex husband and ask him to ask his dad to get me a new one. grrr.... i'm totally just suckin it up already. on a HAPPIER note. Asphalt Cowboy had proven to be one of the greatest friends that i have encountered in my 24 yrs. One of those ppl that you know 10 yrs form now you will still be best friends.... so i leave you with this b4 i get this pathetic day on its way.....

just because it makes me smile! and don't worry tonight i will be posting the first installment in my blog off. so until then... go slap a random stranger on the street for me!