There are certain things i my life, either that i have done, or things that i have not done. All of which have gotten me to the point that i am at right now. right at this moment. call it an epiphany if you will. But for the first time in a while i am finally thinking clearly. well as clearly as someone such as i can think. i think somewhere between all the messed up relationships i have been in the last year, the move to cali, and the return to my beloved 801. i lost the person that i "thought" i was. instead i looked in the mirror today and saw someone completely different. i saw the woman that i have struggled for years to give freedom to. i saw the amazing mother that at times has made some very dumb and very stubborn decisions but always with the best of intentions for my lil man. i saw the friend that has stood by ppl through everything under the sun. the one that has helped her friends overcome and fight addictions, and self hate. I even saw a little bit of naive innocence that i think is good for everyone to posses.
at this particular moment in time i am cutting ties to the ppl that hurt me, i am letting go of the things that i cannot control. and i am full heart and soul moving on. and this isn't some pathetic o someday my prince will come bull shit blah blah blah..... guess what.... i AM NOT a damsel in distress. and i am not going to sit on my ass and hope that someday my prince will show up on his white steed (big ass truck) and save me from the peril of the world around me. This is my life, this world is mine for the taking. and o boy am i taking it. Now that being said....i will spill a lil secret for those of you who read this merely for the gossip and he said she said.....
I know who i am suppose to be with. . . the "man" that i am meant to spend the rest of my life loving..... thanks to one of the most totally genius minds (:D) i have ever known.... i have a classification for this person.... i suppose he is in a sense a version of McArmy.... though more so not than is..... i guess that in a vague sense i have always had a sort of love for this person.... and maybe have taken for granted the way we met or the times that he has been there almost randomly out of no where just when i needed him. But he has the qualities that set him apart from the others.... first off, and this is because of a earlier post.... he DOES NOT claim to be a good guy. he honestly doesn't have to. he just enough on my side of life that we click... but just enough on the other that he is stably grounded. he's the kind of person that when he writes you can feel the emotion come off the words. amazingly talented... even if he doesn't know or think so. he live his life with an awareness for those around him. but doesn't buckle or give in to things that compromise who he is. he gets out. he lives his life for himself. he's the kinda person that you see in cheesy and horribly scripted B rated love stories... you know the ones you watch alone at night when no one is home.... the ones that you don't admit you own.... ha ha ha and yes i guess he's wickedly hott....
So i have to have a game plan. in my current state i am not a match for anyone..... except maybe the highschool drop out that flips burgers down the street.... and believe you and me that is not where my future is headed. and if that is what god has in store for me he is going to have to re think that one...... please... instead i am going to get my life on track. learn to love myself and really truly see the amazing person inside that so many others see. i'm going to be the person that he deserves. inside and out. and i am going to start this new chapter of my life with the passion that i used to live life with. AND for the record. if by some sick twist of fate i don't end up with the above mentioned person...... i'll be ok. and i will still look at the stars with wonder, and feel the sun with joy. and i will still love myself. Because the old Jakki is gone. and the new one is here..... and you haven't seen anything like this :D
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