the truth about me.

it's been a while since i have felt the overwhelming need to spill my feeling into concrete words. but then it's taken a while to grasp the reality of what has has been going on in the battle fields of my mind. for years  it has never ceased to amaze me the amount of inner turmoil that i have managed to have going on at any given time. and i always suspected that i was doomed to have this civil war inside rage on for the remainder of my existence. until one day it all just came to a grinding halt. call it a snap into reality. call it some sort of mental break or just an order to cease fire. but some how on the outskirts of a battle that was raging so deep within me, 3 words managed to shut the entire  operation down. 3 words that seem to have severed ties and conquered demons that i had been trying to erratic ate from the inner working of my soul for so long. 3 words that all on their own mean absolutely nothing. zilch. i am a master of manipulation, i have a skill for deception that would match if not completely snuff out the competition. for some ppl it is a means to further themselves in a world where only the strongest and most cunning survive. for some ppl it is a way to hurt ppl and destroy lives in order to make themselves feel more important. for me however it is the reason that i have been stuck in this holding pattern. unable to touch down in the real world for more than the time needed to float through. my manipulation and deception has a target. one target only. myself. my specialty? False hope. so my down fall in life? is myself. i create these ideas in my head that are so elaborate and brimming with possibility that i blindly lead myself down the rabbit hole. deeper into the chaos that already exists. it amazes me that the one person that so many of those scenarios played out in my head revolved around would be the one to break the glass. i should be thankful i suppose. i should be glad that someone has managed to wake me up. and truth be told i have gratitude. but somewhere amid the emotions, or more truthfully lack there of. is a fear. a fear that this new state of awareness comes with the permanent side effect of being off. i have never felt so emotionally disconnected, i feel nothing. in the last few days i have cut ties and said goodbye to numerous ppl and felt nothing. i didn't just burn down obsolete bridges.... i feel like they never existed to begin with. i feel no worry. no anxiety. no ripple of loss. no void. what i do feel is cold. indifferent. i have lost the things that have won over so many ppls favor. i have no interest in other ppls problems, or feelings, i have grown sarcastic and matter of fact. i'm short with ppl. i don't seem to see them, but rather through them. i just don't care. if you know me... which you should if you're reading this nonsense than you know that none of the above is generally known to describe me. sure i have been known to be a mega bitch. i've been told it's genetic. but in general i have always been the one that ppl come to to vent, for comfort or distraction. always there for everyone. now i leave my phone off, or behind when i go out. i ignore the majority of texts and calls coming in. i just don't care. now before some of you get all stoic on me... i am focused. i obviously care for my son. he's the only human being that can stir any sort of emotion out of me lately. i care about my life.... i'm not all emo and gonna stop living because i'm having some sort of emotional union strike. i said i was cold... not stupid. maybe this is my ground zero. maybe this is my chance to build again from the ground up. and that's fine. because the truth about me? is that i will soldier on in spite and i will succeed.

One Love..... Many colors!

this past weekend lil man and i went to the amazing Holi festival (colorfest) like last year we had an amazing time! this year however we got to bring along a few other ppl to share in the festivities!

One of the Best weekends

this weekend was off to a lil bit of a rocky start, but all in all turned out to be pretty amazing. My little sister married an amazing man on sat. i've never seen her so happy in her life... they make a beautiful couple. and i can't wait to see what life brings their way.

after all the wedding festivities and sending the happy two on their way to lava.... me and the other siblings living at home decided that it was a good night to bowl.... it ended up being a blast. i seriously haven't had that much fun in a really long. time. 

even though it seems like i already had a great weekend today was the icing on the cake.... ha ha ha.... nicnac and i decided that it was a good day to go to the park... and as much as i would love to get into who also came... or what our adventure consisted of i am not going to jinx myself. so for now i have a secret... and it's going to stay that way because it's all mine.... and i want to keep it that way for a bit! lots of luv! XoXo