Where Does the Good Go???

what happened to ppl that you could count on. ppl that knew what true friend ship and comradeship. what happened to just being a good person period. every where i look i see ppl just plain being horrible, to their children, to ppl of other races, ppl just hating ppl. what happened to the world? i think that everyone has taken this survival of the fittest a little to far. who really is to decide who is the fittest? the person with all the money, the one with the love or their life and their family, the artist who knows the true beauty of the world.... or ppl like me who just struggle to survive the bull shit and the lies that are cast off by society. what is going to save you in the end? your religion, your job, your family. and how is someone to say that one is better than the others. its like this whole debate on pro life or pro choice.... or letting the gays marry. who the fuck cares. who the hell am i to tell someone else how to live their life. ppl are hiding behind their bibles... condemning others for their lives. when isn't it the same bible that says (Matthew 7:1) "Do not judge, or you too will be judged." or how about (John 8:7) "So when they continued asking him, he lifted up himself, and said unto them, He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her" sounds a tad bit hypocritical to me. like i said in posts b4 i have respect for all people and their religions. i think that ppl that can find peace in god and can live good lives because of it are blessed. my restless soul will find that peace one day. But to say that you cannot allow someone else to live the lifestyle that they have chosen based on religious reasoning NOT only is a breach of what this country was founded on in the first place it is condemning your own soul. Should you really be so oblivious to your own hypocritical actions because you are so concerned about someone else's salvation. Helping ppl is fine yes.... go forth into the world and spread your teachings.... but to base this government and the law based on the teaching of the bible.... no wonder ppl hate America.... are we not in another country tearing up they lives and their land because of extremists that took their religion too far? are we not trying to change the government of their country and trying to make a separation of church and state for them..... are we not condemning them for their life styles and their laws and ways of life. is anyone else seeing my point??? maybe we should all focus on our own salvation, our own souls. maybe its time for us to all step in front of a mirror and really see the person staring back. is that the person that you are willing to die as.... or do you want ppl to remember you differently? everyone is speaking that it is time for change... time for reform... right wing against left wing, Muslims against Christians, Mormons against Gays, Christians against Liberals. I think that we are all deep down fighting ourselves. fighting our fears. if you want change and reform then it has to start in the heart of the ppl. it can't be programmed or brain washed or trained. that is not how we were made to function. but this isn't just about the world either. this is about our everyday interactions as well.... between family members, friends, partners, children, co workers. there is so so much hate in the world. and we are raising our children to be callused calculated manipulators... because that is the only way to survive. the only way to get ahead and thrive. am i the only one who thinks this isn't right?

Yes Indeedy.....(language)

there's a lot of things going on in the world right now. as there always is and always will be but lately things are getting under my skin. so lets work on this backwards from the larger things to the more personal.

My family is largely made up of members of the LDS church. A religion that has mainly dominated my teen years and some of my childhood. I respect the church, i respect the members, and i respect the general authority. However sunday rubbed me wrong. I understand that the church has it's stand about gay and lesbian relationships, as do most of the churches. when i first joined the church i was taught that the mormon religion was tolerant to other. that "love one another, as i have loved thee" was something that we were to live by. why does that not stand here? why are we so intent to destroy the worlds and lives of others in order to push an agenda for "saving souls" i am not trying to offend anyone and i really hope that i don't. but if we are all trying to make it to the Celestial kingdom should we not worry about ourselves? should we not be more worried about our own salvation than preaching to others about how their ways are unnatural and unworthy of the love of god? MY god loves everyone. MY god wants people to be happy and live lives that are full of light and fulfillment. Let them get married. let them live normal lives and seek the things that will fill them with light and joy. who the fuck cares about what the family unit is.... what family unit?? looking around here in these times it seems to me that the new family unit is single parents who are struggling to give their children lives that have some semblance of normalcy. so instead of letting these ppl have families and enjoy the benefits of marriage we would rather support the get married get divorced lifestyle? what a load of shit.... HI i grew up in that "family unit" i had an amazing father who did everything and anything to make sure that i grew up knowing that i was loved and that we were a family. And now i am a single mother. divorced not once but twice. to each their own let ppl have a chance at happiness and stop telling them how to live their lives.

this rant will have to continue another time.... my head is so full of shit i don't even know what to say next

Chopper riding Stormtroopers

one thing that being out here has allotted me is time to think. Time to really step back and look at the big picture that is my life. I've realized a lot about the ppl in my life. and i've even learned a bit about myself. I am me..... and it's time to start living that way. i was raised better than this. over the last 5 or 6 years i haven't been true to myself, i haven't been true to the ppl that care about me. and it's caught up to me. since i have moved here i have lost touch with some ppl. and surprisingly have grown closer to others. it's amazing how therapeutic for the soul a genuine smile and some star wars memorabilia can be, and i had forgotten how much it really means to have someone listen. really listen and not judge or look at you like you are crazy. i am grateful that i had the opportunity to come out here and clear my head. i have a lot of stuff to deal with when i get home.... but i'm ready for what lies ahead. I'm ready to come home.

Same story, different character...

it amazes me when i am drawn to the same types of ppl. over and over. whether it is for friendships or possible relationships it's always the same story, the characters just change. and every damn time that i think i have found someone that is different, someone that isn't into the whole drama. that isn't ok with the high school bull shit i get proved wrong. and then there are the others. the ones that just don't care period. the ones that use and then throw away. i used to be such a good judge of character. i dunno what happened. i've turned into a door mat. i love my friends and i would do anything for them. and they know it. and they use it. and then they bounce. well this is my sign off to those of you in my life that think that i am that expendable. I am going to be the one that is going to bounce this time. b4 you have a chance to hurt me. I deserve better. and someday i will find the ppl that deserve to be in my life.

Alone with your thoughts

sitting outside i was listening to the wind. feeling it against my face, like i was feeling it for the first time. i started thinking about life. wondering why i can't seem to get my ass into gear. am i broken? everything is moving, changing around me. life is moving on but i can't seem to get one foot to move in front of the other. i'm frozen in some sick and twisted time warp. Everyone says that when one door closes a million open. Where are these doors? I'm at a dead end and every door is locked. will no one let me in? I knock and knock no one answers. I scream out in frustration. All i get is the sound of my own pain echoing off the walls. Does no one understand that i am just passing through. For every time i knock all i hear are a hundred answering knocks echoing from wall to wall. It's the most heart wrenching lonely sound i have ever heard.. set on repeat like a scratched record. I've come so far for what to sit here and wait for something, anything to happen. even the door i came through is sealed shut. there's only one thing more terrifying than just being alone. and that's being alone with your own thoughts. ghosts and whispers of dreams and aspirations begging for just a chance to become reality. straining under the weight of self doubt and pure unadulterated misery. It's amazing that they even exist as whispers. And the proverbial question that is always at the fore front of my mind, it's an obsession really. a toxic chain of thinking that starts with two little words. NOW WHAT. what is an evil word full of hidden meaning and it's own agenda. i am being held back. somewhere in my mind is a tether. and it is strong and unrelenting. Some one untie me please, set me free. my smoke signals and SOS calls are falling on deaf ears. if they are reaching anyone at all. Can anyone here me? is it too late?  

this is the end...... there's the beginning...

yesterday was a hard day, by anyone's standards. i realized a lot about the ppl i love. and i realized a little more about how strong my heart really is. i found out that i waited to long to fix things. that when someone walks away from you the first time, that is when you are suppose to beg them to stay. and i learned that some ppl can fall out of love on the drop of a dime.

what am i going to do with all this new knowledge? nothing. i screwed up the life i had. so i have no choice but to move forward with what i can. so what moves forward with me? well, my son. that one amazing spark of hope that i have for the future. the one that loves me and still thinks that when i kiss his boo boos that they are magically better. the one that trusts everything out of my mouth without a glimmer of doubt that it might not be true. the one person on the planet that i would not hesitate to kill for, or die for. i have a few friends that will make the cut. no all of them because i realized that some of the ppl that i thought were such good friends are not at the same place in their lives that i am. i need ppl who are on the same page. that have the same goals and ambitions in life. ppl who are positive and are driven for success.

as for love. i dunno if i will ever trust my heart again. and it doesn't really matter right now. my heart belongs to someone and when i get it back then i will start on the journey to repair and learn to love again.  

NoCal.... and breathing a lil easier

sitting here in my mom's front room the last two days have been a whirlwind of emotion. but i think leaving everything behind and getting on a 13 hour train ride will do that to some ppl. it's beautiful out here. Nic is having a blast. My mom absolutely adores him. things so far are good. Patrick and i have been talking. and at first i didn't want to. i did but i didn't want him to think that the only reason i was talking to him was because i got screwed. but now i am glad we are. we've talked about everything. from beginning to end. what happened, why it happened, what we both did wrong, what we both would have changed. and the more i talk to him the more i wonder what is wrong with me? how did i have some one that amazing and screw up that bad? i don't think that i will ever know for sure why things really happen the way they do. why ppl veer so far left off the path that was so right for them. why i lost my god damn mind.... ii have a lot of pieces to pick up. a lot of bridges to mend. and getting my life back into my own control is all that matters. and i am taking life by the wheel right now. this is me. i have a son to raise and a life to build for the two of us. and that's all that matters now. so goodbye past. goodbye regrets today is a new day and today is mine!