2011 can kiss my ass

so this was suppose to be my year.... ha ha ha i'm only a week in and already hating it. Nerd boy made an alarming but almost predictable exit which pretty much figures considering the events of late. i moved back in with my parents and 4 teenage siblings this weekend which i am actually grateful and excited for. AND THEN to top it off while taking care of McMarine's dog this morning i lose my damn phone. like totally gone. and the only way to get a new sim card is to call my ex husband and ask him to ask his dad to get me a new one. grrr.... i'm totally just suckin it up already. on a HAPPIER note. Asphalt Cowboy had proven to be one of the greatest friends that i have encountered in my 24 yrs. One of those ppl that you know 10 yrs form now you will still be best friends.... so i leave you with this b4 i get this pathetic day on its way.....

just because it makes me smile! and don't worry tonight i will be posting the first installment in my blog off. so until then... go slap a random stranger on the street for me!

Observations of a restless brain

there is a restlessness in me that never ceases to amaze me. a constant hunger that grips at every fiber of my being. and yet the "food for thought" that i need to feed this insatiable thirst inside is in high demand and short supply. so what's a girl to do. i amble and stumble my way through life. seldom apologizing and almost never looking back. I have an awkward grace that i live by. and an almost embarrassing clumsiness in which i seem to throw my day to day life together. So i can't help but wonder what to do next? looking around right now i am reminded of a time in my life when things weren't so complicated. although hindsight is 20/20. i miss high school.... oh my yes i said it ok? i MISS high school. i know back then it was o i can't wait to grow up. i can't wait to move out and be an adult and make my own rules and live my life the way that i chose. FUCK that. i wanna go back to homework and rumors and living under mommy and daddy's roof. ha ha how naive were we to think that high school was so horrible that reality would be better. I love the irony. I think i spent too much time bucking the system and not enough preparing for these days. But this is my life. I am a 23 year old single mother of an amazingly beautiful 2 year old son. I will soon be a college graduate. i am divorced .... twice. i am an ex addict. and ex raver. an ex dreamer and an ex believer. But you know what i have realized all these things that can be used to describe me..... they don't define me. I am the ONLY one that can. Period. _insert evil laugh here_ but no seriously. wtf is wrong with the color pink.... the more pink shit i see the uglier i realize the color is. :D

A Long Way Off..... But Someday Approaching

There are certain things i my life, either that i have done, or things that i have not done. All of which have gotten me to the point that i am at right now. right at this moment. call it an epiphany if you will. But for the first time in a while i am finally thinking clearly. well as clearly as someone such as i can think. i think somewhere between all the messed up relationships i have been in the last year, the move to cali, and the return to my beloved 801. i lost the person that i "thought" i was. instead i looked in the mirror today and saw someone completely different. i saw the woman that i have struggled for years to give freedom to. i saw the amazing mother that at times has made some very dumb and very stubborn decisions but always with the best of intentions for my lil man. i saw the friend that has stood by ppl through everything under the sun. the one that has helped her friends overcome and fight addictions, and self hate. I even saw a little bit of naive innocence that i think is good for everyone to posses.

at this particular moment in time i am cutting ties to the ppl that hurt me, i am letting go of the things that i cannot control. and i am full heart and soul moving on. and this isn't some pathetic o someday my prince will come bull shit blah blah blah..... guess what.... i AM NOT a damsel in distress. and i am not going to sit on my ass and hope that someday my prince will show up on his white steed (big ass truck) and save me from the peril of the world around me. This is my life, this world is mine for the taking. and o boy am i taking it. Now that being said....i will spill a lil secret for those of you who read this merely for the gossip and he said she said.....

I know who i am suppose to be with. . . the "man" that i am meant to spend the rest of my life loving..... thanks to one of the most totally genius minds (:D) i have ever known.... i have a classification for this person.... i suppose he is in a sense a version of McArmy.... though more so not than is..... i guess that in a vague sense i have always had a sort of love for this person.... and maybe have taken for granted the way we met or the times that he has been there almost randomly out of no where just when i needed him. But he has the qualities that set him apart from the others.... first off, and this is because of a earlier post.... he DOES NOT claim to be a good guy. he honestly doesn't have to. he just enough on my side of life that we click... but just enough on the other that he is stably grounded. he's the kind of person that when he writes you can feel the emotion come off the words. amazingly talented... even if he doesn't know or think so. he live his life with an awareness for those around him. but doesn't buckle or give in to things that compromise who he is. he gets out. he lives his life for himself. he's the kinda person that you see in cheesy and horribly scripted B rated love stories... you know the ones you watch alone at night when no one is home.... the ones that you don't admit you own.... ha ha ha and yes i guess he's wickedly hott....

So i have to have a game plan. in my current state i am not a match for anyone..... except maybe the highschool drop out that flips burgers down the street.... and believe you and me that is not where my future is headed. and if that is what god has in store for me he is going to have to re think that one...... please... instead i am going to get my life on track. learn to love myself and really truly see the amazing person inside that so many others see. i'm going to be the person that he deserves. inside and out. and i am going to start this new chapter of my life with the passion that i used to live life with. AND for the record. if by some sick twist of fate i don't end up with the above mentioned person...... i'll be ok. and i will still look at the stars with wonder, and feel the sun with joy. and i will still love myself. Because the old Jakki is gone. and the new one is here..... and you haven't seen anything like this :D

self Loathing

self loathing is an interesting concept. what does it really mean to hate ones self? well since i am pretty much an expert in this i am going to tell you. hating yourself is when you can't stand to look in the mirror. when the person that is looking back at you is both unrecognizable in the slightest. but also not someone that you would befriend. i hate writing posts like this but i have to get this shit out of my head. i can't even see straight with all the chatter. someone very important to me told me that i should do this so here goes......

There's a level of comprehension
_____i constantly cling to
a harness of safe keeping
_____for my mind
yet as decisive as i am to be logical
_____i sometimes long to come down
for a taste of senseless stupidity
_____and irrational reasoning
but filled quickly
_____an incomplete fullness
stemming from a gorge on illogical behavior
_____leaving me with a desperate
life threatening need
_____to purge
to retreat back into my mind
_____systematically organized
to rational perfection
_____an illusion for my own eyes
to hide the true chaos that
_____is me

Where Does the Good Go???

what happened to ppl that you could count on. ppl that knew what true friend ship and comradeship. what happened to just being a good person period. every where i look i see ppl just plain being horrible, to their children, to ppl of other races, ppl just hating ppl. what happened to the world? i think that everyone has taken this survival of the fittest a little to far. who really is to decide who is the fittest? the person with all the money, the one with the love or their life and their family, the artist who knows the true beauty of the world.... or ppl like me who just struggle to survive the bull shit and the lies that are cast off by society. what is going to save you in the end? your religion, your job, your family. and how is someone to say that one is better than the others. its like this whole debate on pro life or pro choice.... or letting the gays marry. who the fuck cares. who the hell am i to tell someone else how to live their life. ppl are hiding behind their bibles... condemning others for their lives. when isn't it the same bible that says (Matthew 7:1) "Do not judge, or you too will be judged." or how about (John 8:7) "So when they continued asking him, he lifted up himself, and said unto them, He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her" sounds a tad bit hypocritical to me. like i said in posts b4 i have respect for all people and their religions. i think that ppl that can find peace in god and can live good lives because of it are blessed. my restless soul will find that peace one day. But to say that you cannot allow someone else to live the lifestyle that they have chosen based on religious reasoning NOT only is a breach of what this country was founded on in the first place it is condemning your own soul. Should you really be so oblivious to your own hypocritical actions because you are so concerned about someone else's salvation. Helping ppl is fine yes.... go forth into the world and spread your teachings.... but to base this government and the law based on the teaching of the bible.... no wonder ppl hate America.... are we not in another country tearing up they lives and their land because of extremists that took their religion too far? are we not trying to change the government of their country and trying to make a separation of church and state for them..... are we not condemning them for their life styles and their laws and ways of life. is anyone else seeing my point??? maybe we should all focus on our own salvation, our own souls. maybe its time for us to all step in front of a mirror and really see the person staring back. is that the person that you are willing to die as.... or do you want ppl to remember you differently? everyone is speaking that it is time for change... time for reform... right wing against left wing, Muslims against Christians, Mormons against Gays, Christians against Liberals. I think that we are all deep down fighting ourselves. fighting our fears. if you want change and reform then it has to start in the heart of the ppl. it can't be programmed or brain washed or trained. that is not how we were made to function. but this isn't just about the world either. this is about our everyday interactions as well.... between family members, friends, partners, children, co workers. there is so so much hate in the world. and we are raising our children to be callused calculated manipulators... because that is the only way to survive. the only way to get ahead and thrive. am i the only one who thinks this isn't right?

Yes Indeedy.....(language)

there's a lot of things going on in the world right now. as there always is and always will be but lately things are getting under my skin. so lets work on this backwards from the larger things to the more personal.

My family is largely made up of members of the LDS church. A religion that has mainly dominated my teen years and some of my childhood. I respect the church, i respect the members, and i respect the general authority. However sunday rubbed me wrong. I understand that the church has it's stand about gay and lesbian relationships, as do most of the churches. when i first joined the church i was taught that the mormon religion was tolerant to other. that "love one another, as i have loved thee" was something that we were to live by. why does that not stand here? why are we so intent to destroy the worlds and lives of others in order to push an agenda for "saving souls" i am not trying to offend anyone and i really hope that i don't. but if we are all trying to make it to the Celestial kingdom should we not worry about ourselves? should we not be more worried about our own salvation than preaching to others about how their ways are unnatural and unworthy of the love of god? MY god loves everyone. MY god wants people to be happy and live lives that are full of light and fulfillment. Let them get married. let them live normal lives and seek the things that will fill them with light and joy. who the fuck cares about what the family unit is.... what family unit?? looking around here in these times it seems to me that the new family unit is single parents who are struggling to give their children lives that have some semblance of normalcy. so instead of letting these ppl have families and enjoy the benefits of marriage we would rather support the get married get divorced lifestyle? what a load of shit.... HI i grew up in that "family unit" i had an amazing father who did everything and anything to make sure that i grew up knowing that i was loved and that we were a family. And now i am a single mother. divorced not once but twice. to each their own let ppl have a chance at happiness and stop telling them how to live their lives.

this rant will have to continue another time.... my head is so full of shit i don't even know what to say next

Chopper riding Stormtroopers

one thing that being out here has allotted me is time to think. Time to really step back and look at the big picture that is my life. I've realized a lot about the ppl in my life. and i've even learned a bit about myself. I am me..... and it's time to start living that way. i was raised better than this. over the last 5 or 6 years i haven't been true to myself, i haven't been true to the ppl that care about me. and it's caught up to me. since i have moved here i have lost touch with some ppl. and surprisingly have grown closer to others. it's amazing how therapeutic for the soul a genuine smile and some star wars memorabilia can be, and i had forgotten how much it really means to have someone listen. really listen and not judge or look at you like you are crazy. i am grateful that i had the opportunity to come out here and clear my head. i have a lot of stuff to deal with when i get home.... but i'm ready for what lies ahead. I'm ready to come home.