Chopper riding Stormtroopers

one thing that being out here has allotted me is time to think. Time to really step back and look at the big picture that is my life. I've realized a lot about the ppl in my life. and i've even learned a bit about myself. I am me..... and it's time to start living that way. i was raised better than this. over the last 5 or 6 years i haven't been true to myself, i haven't been true to the ppl that care about me. and it's caught up to me. since i have moved here i have lost touch with some ppl. and surprisingly have grown closer to others. it's amazing how therapeutic for the soul a genuine smile and some star wars memorabilia can be, and i had forgotten how much it really means to have someone listen. really listen and not judge or look at you like you are crazy. i am grateful that i had the opportunity to come out here and clear my head. i have a lot of stuff to deal with when i get home.... but i'm ready for what lies ahead. I'm ready to come home.

Same story, different character...

it amazes me when i am drawn to the same types of ppl. over and over. whether it is for friendships or possible relationships it's always the same story, the characters just change. and every damn time that i think i have found someone that is different, someone that isn't into the whole drama. that isn't ok with the high school bull shit i get proved wrong. and then there are the others. the ones that just don't care period. the ones that use and then throw away. i used to be such a good judge of character. i dunno what happened. i've turned into a door mat. i love my friends and i would do anything for them. and they know it. and they use it. and then they bounce. well this is my sign off to those of you in my life that think that i am that expendable. I am going to be the one that is going to bounce this time. b4 you have a chance to hurt me. I deserve better. and someday i will find the ppl that deserve to be in my life.

Alone with your thoughts

sitting outside i was listening to the wind. feeling it against my face, like i was feeling it for the first time. i started thinking about life. wondering why i can't seem to get my ass into gear. am i broken? everything is moving, changing around me. life is moving on but i can't seem to get one foot to move in front of the other. i'm frozen in some sick and twisted time warp. Everyone says that when one door closes a million open. Where are these doors? I'm at a dead end and every door is locked. will no one let me in? I knock and knock no one answers. I scream out in frustration. All i get is the sound of my own pain echoing off the walls. Does no one understand that i am just passing through. For every time i knock all i hear are a hundred answering knocks echoing from wall to wall. It's the most heart wrenching lonely sound i have ever heard.. set on repeat like a scratched record. I've come so far for what to sit here and wait for something, anything to happen. even the door i came through is sealed shut. there's only one thing more terrifying than just being alone. and that's being alone with your own thoughts. ghosts and whispers of dreams and aspirations begging for just a chance to become reality. straining under the weight of self doubt and pure unadulterated misery. It's amazing that they even exist as whispers. And the proverbial question that is always at the fore front of my mind, it's an obsession really. a toxic chain of thinking that starts with two little words. NOW WHAT. what is an evil word full of hidden meaning and it's own agenda. i am being held back. somewhere in my mind is a tether. and it is strong and unrelenting. Some one untie me please, set me free. my smoke signals and SOS calls are falling on deaf ears. if they are reaching anyone at all. Can anyone here me? is it too late?  

this is the end...... there's the beginning...

yesterday was a hard day, by anyone's standards. i realized a lot about the ppl i love. and i realized a little more about how strong my heart really is. i found out that i waited to long to fix things. that when someone walks away from you the first time, that is when you are suppose to beg them to stay. and i learned that some ppl can fall out of love on the drop of a dime.

what am i going to do with all this new knowledge? nothing. i screwed up the life i had. so i have no choice but to move forward with what i can. so what moves forward with me? well, my son. that one amazing spark of hope that i have for the future. the one that loves me and still thinks that when i kiss his boo boos that they are magically better. the one that trusts everything out of my mouth without a glimmer of doubt that it might not be true. the one person on the planet that i would not hesitate to kill for, or die for. i have a few friends that will make the cut. no all of them because i realized that some of the ppl that i thought were such good friends are not at the same place in their lives that i am. i need ppl who are on the same page. that have the same goals and ambitions in life. ppl who are positive and are driven for success.

as for love. i dunno if i will ever trust my heart again. and it doesn't really matter right now. my heart belongs to someone and when i get it back then i will start on the journey to repair and learn to love again.  

NoCal.... and breathing a lil easier

sitting here in my mom's front room the last two days have been a whirlwind of emotion. but i think leaving everything behind and getting on a 13 hour train ride will do that to some ppl. it's beautiful out here. Nic is having a blast. My mom absolutely adores him. things so far are good. Patrick and i have been talking. and at first i didn't want to. i did but i didn't want him to think that the only reason i was talking to him was because i got screwed. but now i am glad we are. we've talked about everything. from beginning to end. what happened, why it happened, what we both did wrong, what we both would have changed. and the more i talk to him the more i wonder what is wrong with me? how did i have some one that amazing and screw up that bad? i don't think that i will ever know for sure why things really happen the way they do. why ppl veer so far left off the path that was so right for them. why i lost my god damn mind.... ii have a lot of pieces to pick up. a lot of bridges to mend. and getting my life back into my own control is all that matters. and i am taking life by the wheel right now. this is me. i have a son to raise and a life to build for the two of us. and that's all that matters now. so goodbye past. goodbye regrets today is a new day and today is mine!  

Jumping Ship and Moving On

This has proved to not only be one of the longest weeks of my life but also one of the hardest. i'm 23 and now have 2 failed marriages under my belt. I have had a lot of time to myself to think the last few days and have come to the conclusion that i am done. I made a mistake and i kissed another man that was not my husband. Judge me if you will but it just happened. i am not making excuses for what i did. it was wrong end of story. HOWEVER the whole situation was a little blown out of proportion. i didn't sleep with him. i never intended to. and i had fully wanted to tell my husband myself. unfortunately we had in out group what i like to refer to as a drama causing whore. who decided that since she saw what happened that she wasn't going to pull me aside and confront me, she wasn't even going to pull my husband aside and tell him privately. instead she told pulled aside EVERYONE in our group that was hanging out that night and told them instead. I dunno what ass backwards world you come from but last time i checked that is not how adults do things. Which brings me to the problems that her plan of action caused. Not only did i not have a chance to tell my husband myself (all of this happened in a matter of seconds) but he had everyone telling him how to handle the situation and what to do. I love my husband but when it comes to other ppls opinions and such he is a push over. its just how he is. so he went with everyone else's advice. he didn't wanna talk about it, didn't wanna hear my side, he told me to get my shit and get out. He decided that it was easier to call our marriage quits than to try and even attempt to work it out. which brings me to one of two conclusions. Either he really is that much of a push over to his stupid high school friends, or he was looking for an exit and took the first one that came. that last one i have heard from several ppl and almost makes sense. On top of everything, he tells me that he never again wants to see my son. It's fine to drop me on my face but Mini Ninja? What the fuck did he do to you?!? so there is the story. there is what happened. i am not a victim, nor am i the whole villain in this. Label me and judge me as you will but i know what has to happen from here. So i am going to pick myself up and dust off and start all over again. AND if anyone thinks for a second that i am ever getting married again then you can go jump of a bridge. obviously marriage doesn't suit me and i can't force a talent i do not posses.

Hindsight is 2o2o

I don't think that anyone intentionally throws their life away. I didn't wake up this morning thinking "oh i'll just destroy my marriage, all of my friendships and mine and my sons futures." But i did. I fucked up (sorry for the language) Bigger than any mistake that i have ever made b4. and i destroyed 4 lives in the process. now we all have to sift through the rubble of disaster. And i am wondering who will make it through still standing, who will give up, and who will try but just isn't strong enough to make it through. i have a feeling that i belong in the last group. and i don't know at this point where anyone else stands. was it worth it? i don't think so. i think that i finally let my impulses take me somewhere i was never suppose to be. that being said what was done is done. i can't take anything back. i finally understand the meaning of "Dig your own grave, lie in it"