Alone with your thoughts

sitting outside i was listening to the wind. feeling it against my face, like i was feeling it for the first time. i started thinking about life. wondering why i can't seem to get my ass into gear. am i broken? everything is moving, changing around me. life is moving on but i can't seem to get one foot to move in front of the other. i'm frozen in some sick and twisted time warp. Everyone says that when one door closes a million open. Where are these doors? I'm at a dead end and every door is locked. will no one let me in? I knock and knock no one answers. I scream out in frustration. All i get is the sound of my own pain echoing off the walls. Does no one understand that i am just passing through. For every time i knock all i hear are a hundred answering knocks echoing from wall to wall. It's the most heart wrenching lonely sound i have ever heard.. set on repeat like a scratched record. I've come so far for what to sit here and wait for something, anything to happen. even the door i came through is sealed shut. there's only one thing more terrifying than just being alone. and that's being alone with your own thoughts. ghosts and whispers of dreams and aspirations begging for just a chance to become reality. straining under the weight of self doubt and pure unadulterated misery. It's amazing that they even exist as whispers. And the proverbial question that is always at the fore front of my mind, it's an obsession really. a toxic chain of thinking that starts with two little words. NOW WHAT. what is an evil word full of hidden meaning and it's own agenda. i am being held back. somewhere in my mind is a tether. and it is strong and unrelenting. Some one untie me please, set me free. my smoke signals and SOS calls are falling on deaf ears. if they are reaching anyone at all. Can anyone here me? is it too late?  

this is the end...... there's the beginning...

yesterday was a hard day, by anyone's standards. i realized a lot about the ppl i love. and i realized a little more about how strong my heart really is. i found out that i waited to long to fix things. that when someone walks away from you the first time, that is when you are suppose to beg them to stay. and i learned that some ppl can fall out of love on the drop of a dime.

what am i going to do with all this new knowledge? nothing. i screwed up the life i had. so i have no choice but to move forward with what i can. so what moves forward with me? well, my son. that one amazing spark of hope that i have for the future. the one that loves me and still thinks that when i kiss his boo boos that they are magically better. the one that trusts everything out of my mouth without a glimmer of doubt that it might not be true. the one person on the planet that i would not hesitate to kill for, or die for. i have a few friends that will make the cut. no all of them because i realized that some of the ppl that i thought were such good friends are not at the same place in their lives that i am. i need ppl who are on the same page. that have the same goals and ambitions in life. ppl who are positive and are driven for success.

as for love. i dunno if i will ever trust my heart again. and it doesn't really matter right now. my heart belongs to someone and when i get it back then i will start on the journey to repair and learn to love again.  

NoCal.... and breathing a lil easier

sitting here in my mom's front room the last two days have been a whirlwind of emotion. but i think leaving everything behind and getting on a 13 hour train ride will do that to some ppl. it's beautiful out here. Nic is having a blast. My mom absolutely adores him. things so far are good. Patrick and i have been talking. and at first i didn't want to. i did but i didn't want him to think that the only reason i was talking to him was because i got screwed. but now i am glad we are. we've talked about everything. from beginning to end. what happened, why it happened, what we both did wrong, what we both would have changed. and the more i talk to him the more i wonder what is wrong with me? how did i have some one that amazing and screw up that bad? i don't think that i will ever know for sure why things really happen the way they do. why ppl veer so far left off the path that was so right for them. why i lost my god damn mind.... ii have a lot of pieces to pick up. a lot of bridges to mend. and getting my life back into my own control is all that matters. and i am taking life by the wheel right now. this is me. i have a son to raise and a life to build for the two of us. and that's all that matters now. so goodbye past. goodbye regrets today is a new day and today is mine!  

Jumping Ship and Moving On

This has proved to not only be one of the longest weeks of my life but also one of the hardest. i'm 23 and now have 2 failed marriages under my belt. I have had a lot of time to myself to think the last few days and have come to the conclusion that i am done. I made a mistake and i kissed another man that was not my husband. Judge me if you will but it just happened. i am not making excuses for what i did. it was wrong end of story. HOWEVER the whole situation was a little blown out of proportion. i didn't sleep with him. i never intended to. and i had fully wanted to tell my husband myself. unfortunately we had in out group what i like to refer to as a drama causing whore. who decided that since she saw what happened that she wasn't going to pull me aside and confront me, she wasn't even going to pull my husband aside and tell him privately. instead she told pulled aside EVERYONE in our group that was hanging out that night and told them instead. I dunno what ass backwards world you come from but last time i checked that is not how adults do things. Which brings me to the problems that her plan of action caused. Not only did i not have a chance to tell my husband myself (all of this happened in a matter of seconds) but he had everyone telling him how to handle the situation and what to do. I love my husband but when it comes to other ppls opinions and such he is a push over. its just how he is. so he went with everyone else's advice. he didn't wanna talk about it, didn't wanna hear my side, he told me to get my shit and get out. He decided that it was easier to call our marriage quits than to try and even attempt to work it out. which brings me to one of two conclusions. Either he really is that much of a push over to his stupid high school friends, or he was looking for an exit and took the first one that came. that last one i have heard from several ppl and almost makes sense. On top of everything, he tells me that he never again wants to see my son. It's fine to drop me on my face but Mini Ninja? What the fuck did he do to you?!? so there is the story. there is what happened. i am not a victim, nor am i the whole villain in this. Label me and judge me as you will but i know what has to happen from here. So i am going to pick myself up and dust off and start all over again. AND if anyone thinks for a second that i am ever getting married again then you can go jump of a bridge. obviously marriage doesn't suit me and i can't force a talent i do not posses.

Hindsight is 2o2o

I don't think that anyone intentionally throws their life away. I didn't wake up this morning thinking "oh i'll just destroy my marriage, all of my friendships and mine and my sons futures." But i did. I fucked up (sorry for the language) Bigger than any mistake that i have ever made b4. and i destroyed 4 lives in the process. now we all have to sift through the rubble of disaster. And i am wondering who will make it through still standing, who will give up, and who will try but just isn't strong enough to make it through. i have a feeling that i belong in the last group. and i don't know at this point where anyone else stands. was it worth it? i don't think so. i think that i finally let my impulses take me somewhere i was never suppose to be. that being said what was done is done. i can't take anything back. i finally understand the meaning of "Dig your own grave, lie in it"

Ninja Mom Mode

here goes my first baby daddy rant. Witch will be good for me because I have been holding this in for a sec. A few of my close friends have heard some of this so if they happen to read it I apologize for any repeated information. For privacy reasons I will refer to my sons dad as Kevin from here on out. When I took my son and moved out on my own it was a confusing and rocky time. Kevin and I hated each other. I couldn't even stand the mere mention of his name. And time went on and there were issues every once in a while but nothing that couldn't be handled and resolved. God knows that I am not the easiest person to get along or work with if you wrong me but I was trying for the sake of my son to make thing as smooth as possible. This started to pay of up until recently. I mean things were actually going well he took his son every other weekend and was starting to ask if he could take him for a few hours in the middle of the week just because he missed Mini Ninja and wanted to spend time with him. I saw this as a new beginning. But I should know better kevin would hate to disappoint by doing something too right. And so for the last month of so I have watched thing slowly deteriorate.... I wish that I was on the outside of the situation. I wish that I was just watching someone that I used to know fall apart and not have a vested interest in his future. But he is the father of my son and so I am stuck watching with a close eye and scrutinizing every little thing that the bastard does (sorry for my language) any ways back to my story. Over the last month or so I have watched things go from bad to worse. He had finally gotten a job, maybe i'll see some of that 5k in back child support HA HA HA right and maybe I will win the lottery tomorrow. Well sucked for him because the place he got a job at happens to be the same place my cousin works. And then of course in the fashion of everything entertaining drama ensues. First he has the nerve to call in sick stating that his son was in the hospital all night cuz he was sick....SERIOUSLY?!? um my cousin know I have full custody. Epic fail on his part. Then there is the strategically place arm band, the red blotchy skin, the uncontrollable sweating, the long sleeve shirts. For those of you who are lucky enough to not be familiar with the lines that I am connecting here let me break it down further. Remember that drug habit that almost ruined my life? Some ppl have it in them to stay clean and live for not being high.... Kevin doesn't. I recently took my son over there for the weekend. Which I don't know if kevin realizes that if he didn't live with his parents he wouldn't see his son at all. I text his mom (love it when -ahem- older pl can text) and told her that I needed to talk. To which I promptly got a phone call explaining that she knew what was going on and that she wanted to make sure I knew that we were on the same page. Kevin is NOT allowed to take my son any where. He is NOT allowed to be home alone with my son. His mother is a saint. I really miss her. Which brings me to my next point. If he continues on the path that he is on I see no option other than to do what ever and I will do WHATEVER it takes to protect my son. I will take is rights, I will turn him in. and then I also have started to think about the future. How am I going to handle a few years from now when Kevin is dead or in prison, and my son asks me why. Why his dad didn't give a shit about him enough to keep it together. I don't wanna be the mother that lies and says “daddy was sick” sick my ass. He made a clear conscious decision to jump down the rabbit whole and abandon the life that was in front of him. . . these are the things I have to think about on a daily basis. This is my life. 

Wasted time is patience training

i am currently sitting on my couch, as i do every night. I am eating a quesodilla (can't spell)and drinking a mountain dew while watching tv texting on my phone a hittin up the facebook.... i got mad skills tonight. But i am kinda on this train of thought. How do you find happiness. I got an email from an old friend that i haven't seen or talked to in a long time and she seems really down and depressed. she asked me how i got my happy ending, and told me that she has no happiness in her life so she asks her friends about their happiness in order to feel something. like she is living through other ppl. this makes me very sad and a little irate at the world. doesn't everyone deserve their own version of a happy ending? why do bad things happen to good ppl? i know that everyone asks these questions and that they are rhetorical. maybe there will never be an answer. but as for my own life i do know a few things. 

In 2004 i fell in love with some one that i thought was the most amazing person ever. I was naive and i would pay for my ignorance for the next 5 years. After following this man into drugs and habits that almost ruined the rest of my life i thought things would get better when we got clean. i was right for a min. then i realized that all i knew was the him that was on drugs. and once he got clean he wasn't the same person. so we broke it off. only for me to find out a few months later that i was pregnant. so like a complete and utter idiot i got back with him in an effort to work it out to have a family. i didn't want my son to have a broken home.... wanted to have a better start than i did. big mistake. as with all bad relationships the bad got worse. and at 6 months old i packed up my son and left because of an alcohol addiction that was spinning out of control. my heart was SHATTERED. i was on my own and i was with a child.
Now 2 years later i am married to my best friend and he is an amazing father to my son. i have the best support of family that anyone could ask for. and for the most part that goes for my friends also. And every once in a while i get a little sad thinking about wasted time and wasted tears but i think that i have an answer on how i got my happy ending... a lil patience, a lil heart ache, and a lot of luck!